The Disgruntled Food Critic: Advice for Fast Food Restaurants

Sometimes food criticism benefits from a steady, effete voice. Other times it's all about the fun of unpretentious eats on the road. But on a few, rare occasions, somebody just needs to be a jerk about it. Enter The Disgruntled Food Critic. Today, let's talk about fast food purveyors and some ways they could stop sucking and start doing their job right. It's not about making that junk healthier or even higher quality. That's not the point and everyone knows it. I expect dogs to bark, rain to be wet and fast food to allow my inner child to smother my outer adult with all the flavors he only craves because he lacks experience or insight. So, I'm not here to complain about how greasy, salty or just plain heartburn-inducing fast food is. With that caveat out of the way, let's dive in.

Burger King

Alright, BK. This new breakfast menu business? It's gotta stop pronto. I'm not just saying this because your new commercials are about as annoying as possible, I'm concerned because you seem to be in the middle of an identity crisis. If you hadn't figured it out by 1985, the only thing you do well is right there in your name: Burgers. I've always believed that, of all the fast food joints out there, you've got the least egregious excuse for a hamburger. Tender, savory and pleasantly charred, a Whopper beats the hell out of anybody else's meatwhich. But your fries? Your chicken products? Even your freaking milkshakes? They're all substandard. What makes you think you can do breakfast? My advice, just let people buy your regular menu at 7:00 A.M.

 

Taco Bell

Despite the fact that your products are all some variation on meat, cheese, lettuce, tortilla and regret, I've always appreciated the fact that I can get approximately 10 pounds of your food for about three bucks. That's why it's such a damn shame that freaking Jack in the Box is beating you at your own game. They sell two heartburn tacos for 99 cents that are every bit as good, if not better, than yours. Step it up, Bell. And by "step it up" I mean keep the same recipe and sell three tacos for 99 cents. I know you can pull it off because there can't be more than a nickle's worth of actual product in any given hard shell on your menu.

 

Jack in the Box

Just because you're kicking ass in the taco department doesn't mean you're off the hook. What's this malarkey about panini? All of a sudden you're too classy to be seen with a bleached bun and a slab of ground chuck? You're on the West Coast for crying out loud. You wanna do something the other outfits don't do? Slap some pineapple or avocado on a Jumbo Jack and call it a day.

 

McDonald's

We get it. You're the Michael Jackson circa Thriller of fast food. You don't need to pretend to be more slick and friendly than you are. I come to you for a corporate burger with a funny sauce on it, maybe some composite chicken inexplicably shaped like Bolivia and a gummy shake that tastes like a Martian's second-hand impression of chocolate. I don't give a toss about Angus burgers or freaking apple wedges. Shit, I'd be happy if you just started covering other things in Mac sauce. You might consider pulling in the 10,000 people who have somehow never eaten at a McDonald's by Mac-sauceing exotic meats, like venison, bear or alligator. It'd work and you know it.

 

Wendy's

You've fallen on hard times. It's not a good decade to be from the Midwest. People are put off by your square burgers, limp fries and complete inability to market yourself as anything but a bastion for old people and eccentrics. Your best bet is to just continue adding more bacon to whatever's left on your menu that doesn't have pig parts. Maybe even play up the whole flyover aesthetic and start serving regional delicacies like deep-fried brains and Burgoo.