Vitaminwater Not So Vitamin-y, Akshully

In a shocking move that will shock and surprise everyone (are you shocked yet?) the Coca-Cola company has publicly admitted that their Vitaminwater product is not very healthy. 

In fact, a nonprofit company sued Coca-Cola for making false health claims, and Coke retaliated by basically saying that only an idiot would think their Vitaminwater beverage had vitamins in it.

You know, I'm starting to realize that no one really pays attention to the truth.   Why bother trying to explain things?  Just say what you want that thing to be - regardless of how preposterous you sound - and people will buy it.

Want people to buy your sugary beverage because they think it's healthier than the alternative?  Put "Vitamin" in the name!

Don't want to get sued because you claim your sugary beverage is healthier than the alternative?  Tell people they're dumb for thinking otherwise!

I'm calling this the "Sarah Palin is a Feminist" theory of public discourse.  Sarah Palin is a feminist, you see.  Why?  Because she said so, that's why.  She's not a feminist in the sense that she has worked to advance and improve the cause of women, either at home or abroad.  She's a feminist literally because she called herself one.  End of story.

"Clean coal" is another famous example of this.  Why is clean coal cleaner than regular coal?  Because the coal companies call it "clean coal," that's why.

The best thing about this Vitaminwater scandal is the latest run of ads in which lovable daytime talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres is supposedly staffing the Vitaminwater Zero hotline.  What's so funny about this ad?  She spends the entire ad NOT ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT VITAMINWATER.  Instead, the ad pitches her side of humorous unrelated calls, most of which are sexual perverts.  

There's so much wrong with this, I don't even know where to start.  At least Elle is shilling for Vitaminwater Zero, which has no calories.  Regular Vitaminwater has 33 grams of sugars, basically the same as Coke or Pepsi.  

The answer here is obvious.  

If you want vitamins, take a vitamin pill.  Or better yet, eat some fresh fruits and vegetable!  There is very little evidence to suggest that taking a vitamin pill actually does you any good.  Many experts claim that the only result you get from vitamin pills is "expensive pee."

If you're thirsty, drink water.  Water is good for you!  And unless you live in the developing world, tap water is just fine.  If you object to the taste of your local tap water, get a water filter.  I couldn't be bothered with filling up a pitcher filter and waiting for my water, so I bought a faucet mounted Pur filter.  

And no matter what, never EVER believe the advertising!  Whether it's the name of a soda, or a politician's new slogan, or an industry's smug attempt at re-branding, it's pretty much guaranteed to be a lie.  In fact, you could do quite well for yourself at the grocery store by buying ONLY non-branded food!

Photo credit: Fickr/Sam Blackman