10 Improbable Predictions for The 2012 Presidential Campaign

     With seventeen months until the election, the news cycle is already dominated by presidential hopefuls campaigning (or pseudo-campaigning in the case of Palin), waffling, entering, exiting, and speaking, mis-speaking, and all of the other things that one expects from people with egos large enough to think they have shot at being the Commander-in-Chief.

     Below are ten predictions for the future of this race, all of which are based on nothing resembling factual, statistical, or otherwise real evidence.

1. The most popular app for iPhones becomes the Donate to Obama mobile finance app. His campaign shatters the $1 billion goal they set for themselves and become a liability to the nation's economic recovery.
2. Sarah Palin's mystery bus tour will end days before the GOP nominations and she'll reveal that the giant green Donate button on her website was not for a presidential run afterall, but for a startup for another reality tv show: Sarah's Arizona.
3. Trump gets back into the presidential race, threatens several more middle eastern countries, then drops out again. He does this for the remainder of the campaign, inspiring a new meaning for the word "trump"; to do whatever is necessary to get attention. (i.e. "Sarah Palin is trumping across New England.")
4. Tim Pawlenty tries to improve his image among a reactionary Republican electorate by naming Michelle Bauchman as his running mate. Bauchman accepts, with the condition that Pawlenty be her running mate. When the liberal blamestream media accuses her of not actually understanding election procedure, she counters with, "I can see Canada from my house."
5. Hillary Clinton enters the race days before the Democratic nomination, looking disheveled and intoxicated, proclaiming, "I f@#$ing deserve this, b#$%*es!"
6. President Obama, in a bold move to strengthen his position on the economy, imposes interest rates and retroactive overdraft fees on bailed-out banks comparable to what they imposed on their customers. The federal debt equalizes, shares in major financial institutions falls and Republican opponents are too busy emptying their stock portfolios to comment.
7. Newt Gingrich comes clean, reporting that he's actually been married 57 different times in two dozen different countries and has fathered an army of illegitimates who are amassing on the border with Canada. Should he not receive the GOP nomination they will attack, innundating the pharmaceutical markets with cheap Canadian knock-offs.
8. Months before the election Obama will begins a GOTV run called "Obama-thon" in which he reveals one new high-ranking al Qaeda leader he secretly had assassinated every week. He'll also be selling hugs for $10,000.
9. Mitt Romney, pushed to the brink by fellow Republicans, snaps and finally admits that his Massacheusettes healthcare bill is very similar to the President's, and yes it was used as a framework for it, and that yes he passed it in his state, and it's incredibly effective thank you very much so everyone can just kiss his a##. His poll numbers shoot through the roof.
10. Jon Huntsman loses because now one knows who the hell he is. He goes on to cure cancer. A national case of buyer's remorse ensues.

     Whatever does end up happenign this election cycle, the truth is sure to be stranger than fiction. (Maybe not this fiction, but you know...strange.)