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Babies R Us is running a Nursery Cyber Sale with up to 30% off nursery gear, including bedding, cribs, gliders, and more. Other sale items include:

• 2 for $30 Mega Packs of Diapers
• Buy 2, Get 1 FREE baby lotion, wash, oil, diaper rash cream, and powder
• Carter's 3-piece sets for $10
• BOGO 50% off baby gates
• Up to 60% off all clearance items

• Full Name – Raymond Fernandez and Martha Beck
• Nickname – The Lonely Hearts Killers
• Born – Dec 17, 1914 / May 6, 1920
• Location of Activity – New York, Michigan
• Years of Activity – 1947 - 1949
• Number of Kills – up to 20
• Date of Death – Both March 8, 1951
• Cause of Death – Electric Chair

Raymond Fernandez and Martha Beck were a pair of serial killers that ended up meeting later in their lives.  Fernandez was, at the time, making his way by ripping off women that he would meet through personal ads.  Beck was a single mother of two that ended up answering one of those ads.  Instead of ripping her off as he had his previous victims, the two decided to team up and turn their attention to murder.

Ending up in New York, Fernandez only kept Beck around because she was obedient to him.  Even when she found out what he did for a living, she still stood with him and even offered to help him run his scams.  Though they were lovers, Beck played the part of his sister whenever he was in the process of working a mark.  Beck also happened to be extremely jealous and would murder these women whenever she found out that they had slept with Fernandez.  For his part, he was content to help her cover up the murders and even assist her in most cases.

They continued in this fashion for nearly two years until finally moving to Michigan due to too much suspicion in New York.  They were running one more scam, just as always, but the end result was not only the death of the victim, but also of her two-year-old daughter.  They neighbors got suspicious when the victim disappeared but Beck and Fernandez stuck around living in her house.  On February 28^th, 1949, the police showed up and the two were arrested.

In order to avoid extradition to New York, which carried the possibility of a death penalty, Fernandez confessed to everything immediately.  But the deal never held and the two ended up in New York anyways.  There, they were tried and sentenced to die in the electric chair.  Two years after their arrest, the sentence was carried out.

I know I’ve been on the subject of Craigslist and jobs lately and to break that up a bit I’ve decided to do pretty much the exact same thing.  This time around I’ll be showing you some of the stranger things that people need done, so that’s different, right?

But seriously, people post ads for some very strange crap on the old CL.  Some services just can’t be found in the real world and I’m guessing that these people think that the Internet may have a magic link to the world of video games and movies and thus if they advertise on Craigslist their dreams may come true.  While a few of these may get a reply or two, I wouldn’t count on the person doing the replying to be exactly on the level.  In fact, I’d probably run the other way, answered ad or not.

Without any more preamble (despite my love of rambling on), here is some Craigslist weirdness for you to enjoy.

The first involves the need of services that might best be left alone.  If watching Harry Potter has taught me anything, it’s that meddling in the dark arts is not safe.  Still, it might be worth it to have your own clay servant to do all the menial crap around the house and free up your time for more important things like video games and watching porn.

Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM.

WANTED: 
One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for our daughter in 3rd grade and basic household security. Golem must be obedient and fairly unobtrusive on our every-day lives. 
We will supply all materials needed (clay, twigs, calfskin parchment, etc) needed to create the Golem. All you need to do is use your magical ancient Rabbinic skills to animate said Golem! 
Please note! We are looking for a Rabbi to create a Golem: an anthropomorphic being created from inanimate matter from Jewish folk-lore, NOT Gollum: a former Hobbit turned into monster and looking for "precious". This is important! We have no interest in living with Gollum. We want a Golem. Please respond, serious inquiry only. 

While this might seem like a good gig, notice that there is no mention of payment in the ad.  I’d wager that the person who placed the ad is either counting on you feeling sorry for them or they’ll end up offering you something like last night’s leftovers as compensation.

Personal Assistant 1 hr/day 8am wanted

I want to get out of the house and workout everyday. I need help motivating my body to walk out the door. I need someone to come ring the doorbell and tell me to get out of the house to go for a run, hike, kayak or such. 
It should only take a week of this to get me motivated enough to go on my own. 

The following ad could turn out to be the biggest mistake of the poor fellow’s life.  I mean, if someone really responded, the potential for disaster is limitless.  I can already see a drunken web-surfer happening across the ad and thinking to themselves “Hey, I can do that, no problem!”  Next thing you know, your junk will never be the same.

Need a volunteer to give me a vasectomy

Well, I do have health insurance, believe it or not. But it's useless to pay for a vasectomy, since I'm only 24. I've wanted one since I was 16. I have one kid already and don't ever want another (though I love the one I have, of course). Anyway, my doctor said it would be impossible until I'm 30 or have 4 kids. I'm hoping I don't have 4 kids before turning 30, but accidents happen. 
Would you like to stop accidents? Perhaps you are Christian and you hate abortion more than anything. Well, I guarantee you will prevent more than one abortion by snipping my vas. Perhaps you're a liberal and you hate seeing kids grow up in poverty. You get the drift. 
Yes, this is a serious post. Please reply only if you have experience doing vasectomies, and you are willing to do one "pro-bono". 
P.S. I called Planned Parenthood already. They want $500. 

The last ad brings to mind more than one scene from the movie Caddyshack.  I think the poster realized this as well (note the mention of not harming anyone/thing in the neighborhood).  But if you’re a fan of groundhog sammiches, this might actually be the way to go.  Sounds like the little guy was fed well enough at least.

Woodchuck - Groundhog Meat - free

We have a very fat, adult woodchuck/groundhog that has decimated our pole bean crop and consumed, in one 24 hour period, our entire broccoli patch, leaving empty broccoli stems as a stark reminder of what might have been. 
The animal has been fed organic garden vegetables all summer to date, so I guess you could say he is "organic", for the sake of those interested in organic foods. Pasture raised too, as he's been grazing on the lawn, and probably helping our pet hen (who lives in the same area) eat her organic feed. Like I said, a well fed groundhog. 
We have a live-trap set this evening (Saturday) and considering the bait is watermelon, a woodchuck favorite, I'm sure we will have a woodchuck to give away Sunday morning sometime. 
It is illegal to relocate wildlife in Michigan and this woodchuck needs to be dispatched humanely. Per the MA Audubon website ""It is detrimental to the well-being of wildlife as well as the public. Unknowingly, sick animals may be transported and released in other locations, causing the spread of disease. Animals released in unfamiliar territory have a hard time surviving. They must compete with resident animals, and they have difficulty finding food and shelter. Furthermore, relocation is ineffective: each time a territory opens, there is always another animal �waiting in the wings.�� 
Not wanting the animal to be wasted, the proposition is this. If you want the animal for food purposes, you are welcome to take it, but you must be prepared to dispatch the animal (without damaging the trap or anyone/anything in the neighborhood) and take the carcase with you (you may field dress it if you'd like). 
Please email if you're interested and I'll respond asap on Sunday, July 26th. 
Please remember, relocating live wildlife without a permit is not only cruel but ILLEGAL in the state of Michigan. 
Should you be worried that this animal may be a female with young, woodchuck young leave the burrow and disperse to find their own new homes in July. 
 

And so ends another rousing session of the Craigslist Files.  Yet again the creativity and utter strangeness of people has amazing and amused me and, hopefully, my one reader as well.  If you need further entertainment, I recommend the “Best of” section.  There’s always a laugh or a groan to be had.