Aww yeah, Palin 2016, you heard it here first!

Oh, if you insist!

Imagine my humble astonishment at hearing that a conservative pundit has expressed a desire to see me run for president in 2016. My gaze downturned, my hands clasped before me in a prayerful attitude. Because that is how it is: I will do the bidding of the people. MY people! God's people. 

More to the point, it's critical that it appears to be a groundswell of public opinion, not just me belaboring my point all over the place. It has to look like The People want me to run, not like I'm just trying to grab the spotlight again. And y'all know how much I love the spotlight! But in this case, I must forbear. (I think that's the word?)
 
Charlotte Allen says that I would have kicked Barack HUSSEIN Obama's behind in the last election, mostly because I am a redneck woman just like the good old fashioned heartland of America, not these ivory tower elites, coastal upper crust snobs, the poindexters like Romney who make our lives miserable, the same way they threw off the curve in school. 
 
I'm down to earth. I'm a woman of the people! Also, I am really hot. And I never strapped a dog to the roof (I don't have pets - I eat animals, I don't feed them). And I am a charismatic Pentecostal Christian, which is maybe a little bit "out there" for a lot of people, but it ain't nearly as "out there" as Mormonism.  
 
Allen also called my Todd "hunky," so you know she's on my good side now. Plus, like she says, I can help with that "Republican War on Women" image problem the GOP is having these days. Not that I would ever comment on it directly - you know I stay away from any kind of topic that might get me labeled a "Feminazi" or anything. 
 
And I'm against gay marriage but my best friend is gay, so that's a lock on the gay vote, right? Sure my little baby grandson used "faggot" as a slur, and my daughter slings around the word "homosexual" like it's a slur, but the Palin clan is still ahead of most Republicans. Admit it!
 
But you know me. I avoid making any kind of definitive statement. But I will say that I have been shopping around for someone who can put a new wrap on the Palin family tour bus!
 

The Death of Twinkies

It's true: You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone

 

I wrote about the impending death of Twinkies over the summer, when the news first came out, and it seemed like practically a fait accompli. I have been surprised ever since whenever I saw Twinkies at the store. Turns out I was just ahead of the curve (for once). Twinkies have finally been announced as deceased, which has set up a great wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth on the internet.
 
Never mind that hundreds of people lost their jobs. We want our Twinkies!
 
But just as foretold earlier this year, it seems that the Twinkies property is just too valuable to be consigned to the scrap heap of history. In fact, just today it was announced that the Mexican brand Grupo Bimbo may buy the Twinkies name during the forthcoming Hostess liquidation.
 
Would Bimbo create a real Twinkie? Or just a pale imitation? If you have recently eaten a Twinkie you may have realized that… it doesn't really matter. 
 
Let's be honest: even though we all love Twinkies, they are straight up not very good. The cake is sticky, bland, and overly sweet. The filling is stickier, blander, and even sweeter. Faintly gritty in its sweetness, in fact, as if there is so much sugar in the filling that it reached saturation point, and sugar crystals precipitated out of it. It's all vaguely vanilla flavored, but not so that you would really notice. 
 
And let's further be honest, in that if we REALLY loved Twinkies, we would have been buying them all along, and Hostess would not have had to declare bankruptcy. Twinkies are billed as a "snack cake," but who is going to eat a Twinkie as a snack? Baby carrots, that's a snack. A Twinkie has 150 calories and 27 grams of carbs. That's not a snack, that's a dessert.
 
Twinkies failed to change with the times. You won't find a "Twinkies Natural" without artificial flavors or preservatives. You won't find a low-calorie or low-fat Twinkie variant. There are no "100 calorie Twinkie Bites." Or any sign that Twinkies acknowledge the fact that it is 2012, not 1952, and that people's tastes have changed.
 
I'm sure that Bimbo will not tarnish the good Twinkie name. It would be pretty hard to tarnish Twinkies anyway. (What, are you going to make them with cheaper ingredients?) And although most Americans have never heard of Bimbo, the company is HUGE in Mexico and making inroads into American communities with a high Hispanic population. 
 
The Twinkie is dead; long live the Twinkie.

Encouraging entrepreneurs and ideas

A review of $100 Startup by Chris Guillebeau

I have been curious about Chris Guillebeau's book $100 Startup since I first saw it on the Nook months ago, so when I saw it was available through my library's eBook lending program, I decided to check it out.  $100 Startup is all about how entrepreneurs make business ideas successful, without having to invest a lot of money.

One of the main things the book does that I really like is to simplify the business plan: Basically, if you have a product and a customer base, you have a business.  Otherwise, you don't.  It sounds so much easier than writing an elaborate business plan with many sections, doesn't it?  It puts everything into perspective, and shows you how to quickly assess the viability of any business idea.

The book also helps you to make a decision on which business (or businesses) to pursue if you have more than one idea.  The author lays out a system for rating each business idea using factors such as a business's potential for success versus how much work it will involve.

After showing you how to establish whether a business idea is viable or not, he explains how to make it successful via marketing.  For instance, he lays out a plan for a successful launch, with lots of marketing leading up to the launch.  He also promotes the "fire sale" idea, where something is sold for a limited amount of time in order to encourage buyers to get it while they still can.

Peppered throughout the book are anecdotes about wildly successful business owners.  They range from people who have published eBook guides, to owners of more traditional businesses such as a bridal accessories shop.  Obviously not every small business, no matter how good it is, will enjoy the five and six figure income that many of these success stories illustrate, but it is encouraging to read about other entrepreneurs' success stories.

Finally, don't feel that if you are already making it as a small business owner, you don't need to read this book.  As a freelance writer, I consider myself an entrepreneur, and I still found plenty to take away from it.  Part of continuing to grow professionally is continuing to learn from the books you read, the classes you take and the people you meet -- knowing what to take away from each encounter in order to get a little closer to the success you want to ultimately achieve!

"Penny Wiseguys"

I have to admit, I'm starting to agree with the haters.

This is one of those mid-season episodes that just doesn't move me too much in one direction or the other. Steve Carell's character had a lot of potential as the accountant who is given the reins of a mob crew. But aside from making staff cutbacks, I didn't really feel like this went as far as it should have. Particularly given the extraordinary lengths to which Carell's character Michael Scott went, when confronted with the man that he thought was a mobster in an episode of The Office.

I mean, there's a lot of fun you could have with the idea of "an accountant becomes a mob boss." Maybe he decides that the clothing allowance is too high, so he mandates uniforms for all the mobsters. Maybe he outsources the protection racket to a call center in India. Maybe he crunches the numbers and discovers that they're losing money on interpersonal loans, and he shunts those resources into buying an Arby's franchise instead. 
 
I kind of feel like the writers picked the first thing that came to hand and ran it into the ground, instead of exploring some of the weird directions where you could take this plot.
 
Instead they left all the weirdness for the B plot, in which Lisa is diagnosed as anemic, and starts eating bugs. Never mind that you can get plenty of iron from figs, leafy greens like spinach, and beans. Never mind that! You and your logic! No, Lisa is going to eat bugs, and that's the end of that.
 
This plot reminded me of a failed, perhaps half-baked leftover from a Treehouse of Horror. It had some laughs, and plenty of squirms. And the bit with the corn maze at the end was hilarious. ("Just let me have this!") But overall it just didn't quite do it for me. 
 
I feel like, if Lisa Simpson is going to have a crisis over eating bugs, it's going to be because she recognizes that they are on the wrong side of the "charismatic megafauna" equation. A grasshopper is just as much a living animal as a panda, but because it's less cute, we think it might be okay for a vegetarian to eat it.
 
Lisa, I think, would totally get that. Maybe even start a campaign to improve the public image of grasshoppers and ants. Possibly make her own animated series starring a lovable grasshopper, or license a line of plush toys. 
 
Basically anything other than what happened, which is that she ate bugs and then she had a bad dream and she stopped eating bugs. Sigh.
 

Pumpkin pie squares

Wonderful alternatives to pumpkin pie.

Pumpkin is a key ingredient for Thanksgiving recipes and there are many great pumpkin recipes. If you are looking for a recipe for a pumpkin dessert to try instead of making pumpkin pie, this is a great alternative. Pumpkin pie squares are very similar to pumpkin pie, but yet they are slightly different.

The ingredients you will need to make these are:

  • 1 c. flour
  • ½ c. quick oats
  • ½ c. brown sugar, packed
  • ½ c. butter
  • 2 c. pumpkin
  • 1 (12 ½ ounce) can evaporated milk
  • 2 eggs
  • ¾ c. sugar
  • ½ tsp. salt
  • 1 tsp. cinnamon
  • ½ tsp. ginger
  • ¼ tsp. cloves
  • ½ c. pecans
  • ½ c. brown sugar, packed
  • 2 T. butter

To make pumpkin pie squares, you will need to preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Next, place the flour, oats, ½ c. brown sugar and ½ c. butter in a bowl and mix with an electric mixer. Spread this mixture into an ungreased 9 x 13 pan and push down evenly. Bake this crust in the oven for around 15 to 20 minutes.

Then you will need to combine the pumpkin, evaporated milk, eggs, sugar, salt and spices in a large bowl. Mix really well and pour this into the baked crust. Bake for around 20 more minutes.

Finally, combine the pecans, ½ c. brown sugar and 2 T. butter and mix well. This will be a crunchy topping for the bars. Spread this over the bars and bake for another 15 to 20 minutes.

Joe's Revenge

It worked... kinda.

This episode wasn't the best, and it wasn't the worst. It was a thing. As a whole, I felt like it held together better than a lot of other episodes. But on an individual, scene-by-scene level, there were very few laughs. I appreciate that the show is apparently honing its story-telling skills, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that it should still be funny. From time to time, at least.

The AV Club review of this episode got me thinking. It pointed out that the "prolonged dry joke" of Quagmire explaining his cat's care to Lois fell flat. The big difference between this scene and previous, funnier ones (like when Peter falls and skins his knee) is that they occurred after a long run of non-stop singers. 
 
In other words, this kind of joke only works in contrast with its surroundings. Drop that scene in a faster-paced and funnier episode, and I bet it would get big laughs. But in this episode? Not so much.
 
The AV Club review raises another interesting question: is Family Guy gradually falling behind the times? Is it aging as badly as the dudebros who first popularized the show, way back in 1999? The meat of Family Guy aired in a pre-9/11 world, which frankly seems like a lifetime ago. An 18 year-old who watched the season premier would be 31 now, and probably dealing with a spouse, kids starting school, a mortgage, and all those other lame-ass old person problems. (n.b. I myself am 40.)
 
What once was edgy, transgressive humor does tend to fall flat in a world in which our elected lawmakers assert that a woman won't get pregnant from a "legitimate rape." A world in which "Vote Romney, because it's called the WHITE House for a reason" was a trending, non-ironic theme on Twitter during the election. A world in which Honey Boo Boo because reasons.
 
South Park has stayed fresh not only by focusing on hyper-topical issues, but by continuing to push its own barriers. Where Family Guy goes back to the well for another time travel episode, South Park airs an episode where the characters learn that you can push food up your butt and poop out your mouth. Family Guy makes a weak "Taken" parody; South Park sets up its most innocent and beloved character as a pimp who rents out other grade school girls as kissers-for-hire. 
 
Worse, I think the Family Guy staff knows that this is the problem, but their answer is to put out more elaborate and "important" stories. And the show has yet to convince me that it can pull that off without being preachy, dreary, or just plain boring.
 

The Man with the Golden Gun by Ian Fleming

The book the film was (loosely) based on.

James Bond has been missing and presumed dead for over a year when the latest caller claiming to be him phones MI6 and asks to speak to M. After undergoing a battery of questions and, later, an interview, it is determined that this indeed is Agent 007 alive and well.

M’s chief of staff, however, smells trouble. Why is Bond staying at a fancy hotel and not his flat? Why did he not check in with either station B (West Berlin) or station G (West Germany) before returning to London? The last stamp on his passport shows West Germany, after all. But the passport itself is a standard-issue KGB forgery. And why is he carrying a mysterious pistol that has no grip? 

M however consents to see Bond, albeit while on his guard and ready for anything.  

 

At their meeting, Bond pleas for MI6 to cease its activities, claiming their opposite number the KGB will do the same if they did. This only angers M, who, naturally, refuses. At that, Bond attempts to douse his old boss with cyanide with the mystery weapon he is carrying. M, however, quickly drops a protective shield that prevents the assassination attempt by his now-brainwashed agent who promptly faints when the chief of staff and head of security burst in and seize him by the arms.

M, however, is more than willing to forgive Bond for falling into enemy hands as an indirect result of the amnesia suffered during his climactic battle in Japan with S.P.E.C.T.R.E head Ernest Starvo Blofeld, which in turn saw Bond assume the persona of a Japanese fisherman which led him to visit Vladivostok, Russia, innocently enough, only to be recognized and taken in by the KGB.

As Bond is brought back around to his normal self, M picks 007s next assignment: the assassination of Paco “Pistols” Scaramanga, aka “The Man with the Golden Gun”; an American assassin for-hire whose weapon of choice is a long-barreled gold-plated Colt .45 firing custom-made silver-jacketed golden bullets.

Once Bond has healed from his ordeal, it is off to the Caribbean in search of his quarry whom he meets quite by chance at a café/brothel in Jamaica. Pretending to be a security expert named “Mark Hazzard,” Bond accepts a job Scaramanga promises $1,000.00 for: that of security at a meeting Scaramanga is having at a nearby unfinished resort designed to woo investors to put up money to see the project through.

Bond goes along, smelling something fishy all the while. Sure enough, the “investors” are mostly hoods from the United States along with a “Norwegian businessman” named “Hendriks” who smacks of the KGB.

Bond at first thinks he will have to go it alone; not even his old secretary Mary Goodnight knows where he has gone off to after meeting him at the airport and driving him to the café. Luck is with him, however, when he soon finds his old friend Felix Leiter of the CIA is present along with another Company man for the purpose of getting the goods on the group and busting them.  

As Bond eavesdrops on Scaramanga’s first meeting with his unsavory clients while pretending to be outside the room on guard, he soon discovers he is on the cusp of an intelligence bonanza. At the same time, he learns he has his work cut out for him when he overhears “Hendriks” warn Scaramanga that the KGB has gotten wind of a scheme by MI6 to assassinate him with their agent named James Bond!

Thus the stage is set for a battle of wits between the Man with the Golden Gun and the man with the License to Kill.

As many Bond fans have already divined, the plot of Fleming’s original novel is the polar opposite of the movie version starring Roger Moore, Christopher Lee, and Britt Eklund. In fact, they scarcely resemble each other in plot save for the presence of characters Bond, M, Goodnight, and Scaramanga. Nor does the novel contain the film characters Knick Knack, Hai Fat, Sheriff J.W. Pepper, etc.   Even the fabled golden gun is different in the movie, being a single-shot, small caliber weapon Scaramanga can assemble and disassemble out of a gold cigarette case, cuff link, and cigarette holder as opposed to a slightly modified Colt. 45.  

Nevertheless, Fleming’s novel is a must read for Bond aficionados and not a bad choice for the general reader seeking something different.

Halloween identity crisis

The joke's on me

Well, Halloween is over! At least until next year, this is for the best. My wife and I were invited to several parties but ended up attending only one. Our time was taken by either assisting our daughter in making costumes for the grandkids or shopping for Halloween essentials for the grandkids.

 

Our daughter is very talented and made the youngest a space suit of the type worn by the astronauts on the International Space Station. The oldest boy wore an exotic Pokémon costume.

When the boys had their costumes ready to go it was time to come up with a costume for my wife and I. Naturally, we turned to our daughter for creative input. She thought a moment, motioned to my wife and they took off for the fabric store.

I had no idea what they were making. Oh, I would pass them working on the sewing machine or tracing patterns on the floor, but I had no idea what was going on. They didn’t even try to fit the costume on me. I knew my wife was going to the party dressed up and made up as a guy. While an odd choice, I had tons of laughs at her expense as she went through one fitting after another.

Finally, the night of the party was here. My wife and daughter were in the bedroom forever putting the finishing touches on her “guy” costume. I have to say the final result was pretty darn good. They had the details down pat and anyone in the vicinity, at least for the first double-take or two, would believe they were looking at a man. Again, I got a good laugh at the way she looked.

My daughter motioned to me and I walked into the bedroom. She handed me a costume and told me to put it on and call her. My lord, when I shook out the costume, I saw a woman’s dress with bra and panty hose. In the closet was a pair of four-inch heels. After I dressed and they began to apply make-up and fix my hair, I had to endure their laughs at my expense.

 

MLP:FiM Game for iPad/Android: Strategy Guide

Learn how to maximize your experience with this adorable game.

NOTE: An updated strategy guide has been posted here. This article is obsolete.

This quirky little game is taking the world by storm. Brought to you by Hasbro in conjunction with Gameloft, the My Little Pony - Friendship Is Magic game has some significant differences from the usual "click then wait eight hours" game genre.

 
1. Time stops when you're not there
Unlike most games in this genre, the businesses only work when you have the game running. This is why (as you may have noticed) all of the time spans on the tasks are in the 1-5 minute range. 
 
This single fact will radically affect most people's gameplay style. Instead of logging in once a day to collect your cash and start more tasks, the game forces you to play it for as lengthy a session as possible. 
 
Luckily it doesn't demand much of your attention. You can make a lot of progress just by having it running next to you while you do something else. (Kids: don't play the game while doing your homework, or Twilight Sparkle will be very disappointed.)
 
2. Ignore the games (after you get a star)
The mini-games have two purposes: they distract you while you wait 30 seconds for a shop to drop cash, and they let your ponies earn stars. 
 
However, each time you play a game it also costs a minimum of 100 bits. If you play it just to kill time while you wait for your shops to finish, you are probably losing money, given that most shops only earn 30-50 bits at a time.
 
Play the games enough for each pony to earn at least one star. That's enough to get them hired at a shop. Beyond leveling up each pony, ignore the mini-games.
 
3. Clear land
I'm surprised by how many obstacles (like rocks and tree roots) are on each plot of land, and how much they cost to clear. Particularly given how many map squares most shops take up. Tempting though it may be to just keep buying more land, it's a better use of your money to clear your existing plots before buying new ones.
 
4. Group all the shops
Try to cram all the shops into the same plot of land. If you can see them all on the same screen without scrolling, it's a lot easier to keep an eye on them while you're doing something else.
 
Got a tip, trick, or observation of your own? Tell us in the comments!

Middle East nightmare

A matter of time.

I am very concerned about the deteriorating situation between Israel and Palestine. It is now 2012 and the Middle East has been heating up to a boiling point for the last several years. Currently, 200 missiles or more have been launched at Israel, who of course has responded with missiles and air attacks in the Gaza Strip.

Now, this morning I wake up to hear on the news that Israel has called up 70,000 reservists and is moving heavy equipment and artillery to a staging point next to the border.

It would not be as troubling if this conflict was one between only Israel and Palestine. Of course, it isn’t. The reality is that Iran is in the region free to continue its nuclear weapons program—perhaps the greatest threat to world peace that currently exists.

Also Egypt, which is still in turmoil, is a wild card. It is ruled by the Hezbollah Brotherhood and could back Palestine in what appears to be the escalation of the conflict into a full-blown war. Pakistan is not really governed by anyone. The ruling government is only in charge as long as it does not do anything at all. The list goes on and on. Clearly, the fuse is lit and burning its way to the powder keg.

Considering the unsettled state of the region and the desire by many if not all the countries involved to see Israel destroyed, one can only think the worst. It is highly unlikely that the current administration will back Israel under any circumstances, at least in a meaningful way.

The position of the United States in the Middle East is tenuous now and would be untenable without a strong Israel in the picture. If the Middle East does flame into war, Iran can be counted on to immediately become more troublesome and opportunistic. Remember, The Strait of Hormuz, through which a major portion of the world’s oil supply passes, is vulnerable to closure or even attack by Iran. Stay tuned.

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