The Craigslist Files #175 - Will work for food
When one looks for a job, the normal routine is to head out, turn in some resumes and pray that people actually call you back so you can go in and screw up the interview. Craigslist and other sites offer a nice alternative to beating the pavement and scanning the newspapers with their employment section, though sometimes there’s nothing there that seems to suit your fancy. So as an alternative, you can post your own advert (or even a resume) so that you can narrow down the search to be more specific to something you happen to enjoy.
Sometimes these job seekers aren’t looking for traditional jobs at all. Other times the way they seek out work is a little less than professional. But no matter the case, they’re still hard-working folks who need money and are willing to do some oft-times strange things to acquire it. When you don’t want to resort to working in porn, just check out Craigslist and maybe you can find someone who desires your unique set of skills. Or if you do want to work in porn, that can be found on Craigslist as well.
The first individual is offering a legitimate service and approached his sales pitch with a healthy degree of honesty. If you happen to have too much porn on your hard drive and it’s infected beyond repair, you might want to give this guy a call.
Computer repairman
Does your computer not work as well as it used it, but you are scared to bring it to someone to get it fixed because you don't want anyone seeing what you've downloaded?
I fix computers for under $100. Completely confidential, i don't even look at your files. I just wipe out the hard drive and and reinstall windows. Your computer will be as good as new.
The next guy has a unique service that he provides. While many may be in need of his services, his resume seems rather eclectic and not focused to anything in particular. After years of drifting from job to job, however, perhaps he’s finally found his niche?
Bong Operations Engineer
Certified bong polisher and operations engineer. Twelve years experience with water-based pipes and clogged tubes, Ruby-on-Rails, resin, Apache Bong server, Vaporizer, and Java.
Previous job experience:
2005 - 2009
Couch Warmer
Sat on friends couch and surfed the Internet on my laptop.
DUTIES:
polished bongs
washed dishes
edited Wikipedia
Played Team Fortress 2
refilled bongs
built multi-national corporation from scratch, overnight, then dissolved it when patent lawsuit arrived from East Texas.
2000 - 2005
Hobo
1999 - 2000
CEO
GreatEntertainmentPlaceToBuyEntertaining.com
Owner, founder, marketing chief for startup Web site
DUTIES:
Smoked lots of bongloads
Raised $25 million from Dirt Hill
Raised Series B of $560 million from Koal Slaw Ventures
1993 - 1999
Boot Black
SF Market Street
DUTIES
Polished boots
Finally someone comes forward and says what needs to be said. I often think thoughts similar to the following post when I see some poor sap dressed up as a giant piece of pizza, sitting on the street corner and dancing about with a sign that says “Sale!” across the front of it. It sounds like this guy has got the knack though, cause he’s right back in the game looking for another silly-costumed position.
I'll wear your silly costume
Times are tough these days, and we all need a little help to get ahead. I'm offering my services to put on whatever costume your business uses, (gorilla costume, statue of liberty, etc.) to promote whatever you need to promote. I've got experience looking dumb and holding stuff. email me, lets make the magic happen.
And the final posting is less of a job search than an offer to change someone’s life for the better… er, worse… er, better? The following individual has a very specific set of skills that involves major life adjustments and bringing people to realize the worth of the mundane. If you feel like you dislike all things calm and normal, he might be the person you’re looking for to throw a little chaos your way.
Allow me to complicate your semi-charmed life
So, you've got a great job, a house, a car. Your friends are encouraging and supportive. Your family adores you. Dogs, cats, and children flock to you.
But, you're just missing that little something. You just need a little more flavor. Something to keep you on your toes.
I've met your type before and I know just what you need.
I can provide you with a ration of anxiety attacks, sleep disturbances, and newfound paranoia. I am also willing to upset the most solid of friendships, anger your mother, and challenge your ability to keep your job. I can convince you that you are responsible for my well-being and, despite the havoc I leave in my wake, you will be inexplicably attracted to me.
I'm sure you're wondering how I will accomplish this feat. That is not important. My undeniable sex appeal, charm, and natural talent for mayhem will not fail.
What you should be asking is why. Why would you want this? Well, you'll be the first to admit that your comfortable life is getting quite dull. Once our courtship ensues you will have a renewed appreciation for the ho-hum. You'll catch glimpses of the life you once had...casual drinks after work, football on Sundays, barbeques in the summertime...and though you'll long for those days, you will feel wounded, crippled, unable to crawl back to that time. Eventually, though, I will feel you've had enough. I will leave you helpless, friendless, and so accustomed to my insatiable sex drive that you will continue to be isolated, frightened, and incapacitated in my absence. A ghost from your past life will find you, just before you turn to hard drugs to soothe your scarred psyche, and will nurse you back to emotional health.
This journey, this voyage will create a lifetime of unwavering appreciation for all of the things you had once thought to be dull. Food will taste better. Laughter will be more joyful. Warm human contact will be orgasmic. Plus, you will have an abundance of interesting stories to share with your loved ones. This experience may even lead to a new career as a motivational speaker.
Why am I willing to offer this life changing experience?
Well, frankly, I really need a good back rub right now.
So if you need a job, check out the Craigslist and make your desires known. No matter how ridiculous you sound or utterly useless your skill sets, it can’t hurt to try, right? And if someone happens to hire you to dress in a silly costume and clean their bongs, you’ll have finally found your dream job and life will be complete. So what are you waiting for? Live for your dreams! Attempt the impossible! Make a complete ass out of yourself so I can find your post and then use it here!
Until next time my reader(s), remember that your mother was right when she said that goofy face you made will stick forever. Just take a look in the mirror if you don’t believe me.
YouTube Nation - Fan tribute to ‘Star Wars’
Every since its debut back in 1977, the Star Wars franchise has gathered a massive group of loyal fans who consider it to be the end-all-be-all of the movie experience. From more movies to toys to comic books and action figures, Star Wars has infiltrated a wide variety of entertainment genres. After the initial three films were done with, people continued to scream for more and when three new movies arrived, people were screaming bloody murder for it to just stop. Now, Disney has Lucasfilm and even more movies are on their way.
Being as how Star Wars is so amazingly popular, it also happens to have generated some of the most parodies, tributes and the like. The best (and the worst) of these can be found lurking in the cracks of YouTube, just waiting to be watched by adoring fans. In honor of Disney’s attempts to continue the legendary tales (and to alleviate the fears that many have that they may be worse than Episodes I through III) I have looked about and found some of the best Star Wars-related videos.
Enjoy them and remember that no matter what Disney does with their ownership of the franchise, they can’t possible screw it up any more than it already has been.
The first of these videos is a mockery of poorly choreographed fighting sequences in Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Normally when you view the movie it’s going so fast that it’s pretty much impossible to tell whether the fight scenes are accurate or not. This guy slows them down and points out that there are more than a few problems in the way they were put together.
The next is a great little piece mocking the ever-present problem of poor stormtrooper training. They never seem to be able to hit anything, being there only to absorb the heroes’ laser blasts - more like part of the scenery than actual walking, talking beings. But what happens when a stormtrooper gets shot but doesn’t die in one hit like they usually do? A crisis of sorts…
This next one is a classic that many Star Wars fans have probably already seen. It’s a play off the popularity of a long-running show called Cops (now thankfully relegated to re-runs on off-channels), taking the empire’s elite stormtrooper forces and putting them in regular situations where they’d have to deal with the kind of things that regular police have to.
And finally, a small sample of the way Disney has treated Star Wars in the past. No, this is not a clip from Episode VII, though it very well could be a sign of things to come…
Yes, I have just wasted more than a half-hour of your life with Star Wars videos, but it had to be done. Being that it has generated one of the most popular cultural trends in the history of the world, it has a certain grip on fans and those fans like to post their homemade Star Wars videos on YouTube. Expect plenty more to arrive as we near closer to the 2015 release of Episode VII and, should Disney fail in their attempt to recapture audience imaginations, expect even more once the new movie is done.
Buns and Guns Military Restaurant
Located in the city of Beirut, Lebanon, is a uniquely pragmatic restaurant that pokes a bit of fun at the long history of violence in the country. It’s called the Buns and Guns Military Restaurant and it is themed to look like a military outpost. Well, a military outpost if it happened to serve hamburgers, fries and giant sandwiches.
Some may think this distasteful, but it’s turned out to be a successful establishment. When asked about it, the owner stated that his desire was to create a business that reflected the recent history of Lebanon and a place where people could come and relate because they had lived through it. He also said the ridiculous nature of the restaurant was a good way to get people to laugh about the conflicts instead of worrying all the time.
Outside, it looks like most other businesses other than the rather obvious presence of a sandbag perimeter denoting the eating courtyard. Inside, the building is decorated in military style, with fake guns on the walls and camouflage netting. There’s even a recording of helicopter noises and the sounds of rockets to add more atmosphere.
The people who work there are dressed in helmets, berets and military outfits. The menu is shaped to look like a bullet and all the selections on it are according to the military theme. There is an M16 Carbine sandwich, a Mortar burger, Grenade potato wedges and more. And when your food comes out to you, it’s wrapped up in camouflage paper.
Buns and Guns Military Restaurant may be an idea that spawned because of its easy marketing, but the food is said to be both tasty and affordable, which makes it all the better. Unfortunately, at last report the establishment had shut down, replaced by a sports-themed restaurant, so the opportunity to see it in person is no more. Unless they decide to declare yet another war on hunger, that is.
Abortion numbers dropping in the U.S.
Statistics are showing that abortion rates are on the steady decline, the current year being the lowest yet. There are many reasons for this, from the increased availability of contraception to advancements in the technology that prevent birth, leading to more long-term solutions.
There is also the economic climate and other social issues that discourage people from even considering kids. On the flip-side, it could also be a result of some things that aren’t so progressive. The closing of abortion clinics, resulting in women having less access to the procedure, as well as increased restrictions prevent women, forcibly, from obtain abortions.
But the end result is the same. In 2012, abortions rates are the lowest they have been in decades, particularly among teenagers. Added to this is the fact that when having abortions, women tend to get them during the first eight weeks in order to avoid complications.
While some might say the above-mentioned reasons are the main cause of this declining trend, I tend to believe that education is one of the key factors involved. Women are simply better informed and there is enough access that they can have the procedure if needed but also know how to prevent unwanted pregnancies in the first place. And part of this successful educational program are the clinics such as those run by Planned Parenthood - places where women can get whatever information and help they desire.
So all the anti-abortion movements are doing when they attack clinics is adding to the problem. In the end, the numbers may go back up again as a direct result of the actions of those fighting abortion rights. By attacking the key education sources, they create less access to contraception and limit options available to women. Thus, younger women are more likely to fall into the patterns of old, when sex was a taboo subject and honest discussions of birth control were considered too “dirty” to talk about openly.
Dropping numbers signify victory for neither those who are for or against abortion, but do show the betterment of social programs overall. It is not religious pressure and restrictive laws that prevent abortions, since women in the U.S. do have plenty of options available even if they have to travel a ways to get the procedure done.
Very few people are going to prefer to have an abortion over preventing a pregnancy in the first place, and allowing abortion clinics to exist as informational resources is vital in the fight for both women’s rights and the prevention of excessive abortions.
Jets have another embarrasing loss
The Jets were embarrassed, once again, by the New England Patriots. This loss may be the most pathetic for the Jets in quite sometime, and should really shine a hot light on Jets’ Coach Rex Ryan. After the Pats dropped a bomb on the Jets, the dust settled to unveil a 49-19 score in favor of New England. More impressively, or disappointing, is the fact that the teams were in a 0-0 tie after the first quarter. New England moves to 8-3 on the season while the Jets fall to 4-7.
New England began its impressive run in the second quarter. There, they scored 35 points including 2 defensive touchdowns. They got another goose egg in the 3rd quarter before adding another 14 points in the fourth quarter. The Patriots continue to bury teams in what may be one of the most impressive offenses the league has seen in some time. Last week they wrecked the Colts 59-24 at home. This win was even more impressive since it was done in New York.
The Jets problems continue and are becoming more and more extreme. The jets were considered a shoe-in for the playoffs in the past couple years, but it is becoming more and more evident that they are nowhere close to a playoff position. They need to answer several questions before next season begins and should start looking for answers sooner rather then later. One thing that must be looked into is the head coach. Right now, it is hard to say what they will do about that position though.
Cowboys take another loss on Thanksgiving
The Dallas Cowboys lost another game in Texas this turkey day. The game began as an absolute embarrassment at Cowboys Stadium when the Cowboys began the game scoring just 3 in the first half. They took an early 3-0 lead after the first, but then gave up 28 points in the second quarter. Dallas began a huge comeback in the second half, however, but in the end it was too little too late. In the end, they lost 38-31. Dallas is now just 5-6 on the year. The loss may have officially ended any hope of playoff aspirations the team had.
Dallas will have to look more towards the future and find out what they must do to be more competitive. It looks like all the teams of the NFC East are becoming more and more even with one another. The Cowboys have been very inconsistent in terms of their entire team from special teams to offense and defense. Rumors have circled about Coach Jason Garret whose seat can only get hotter and hotter with each home loss. What has got to be most frustrating to the team must be their poor performances at home. The stadium seats 100,000 plus fans, but wins have been anything but easy to come by.
The Redskins are certainly up and coming in the division and league. They finally have a good coach with a great running game and big-play quarterback. The defense could certainly use some improvement as can the receiving corps, but the pieces are certainly falling into place. The team is now tied with Dallas at 5-6, but has been in many more games then Dallas and will probably end the year with a better record then them.
Texans controversial win over Detriot
This Thanksgiving the Houston Texans got in a battle to the end with the Detroit Lions. In the end, Houston was able to earn a 34-31 victory over Detroit, but did so in a controversial way. Houston now moves to 10-1 on the year while the Lions fall to 4-7. The Controversy came in the middle of the game on a Houston run that was clearly stopped. The whistle never blew however, and running back Justin Forsett scampered for a long touchdown. The score would end up ultimately contributing to a Lions loss.
Houston was down most of the contest to Detroit who was running on all cylinders. The Lions were the only team to score in the first quarter by getting a touchdown. They then added 14 in the second quarter and led 21-14 at the half. Houston began their comeback after getting the controversial score with Forsett. The play was called unreviewable due to a coaching mistake by the Lions who threw a challenge flag on the play. This is something the team does not have to do as all turnovers and touchdowns are instantly reviewed. Ultimately the mistake was on Detroit, but the rule certainly needs visited by the rules committee.
The Lions continue to be one of those few NFL teams that continue to find ways to lose games. They had the game locked up, but shot themselves in the foot by throwing a challenge flag in that circumstance. This is especially unnecessary as we are in the 12th week of the NFL season, and all this year all touchdowns have been reviewed.
Let's hope Eli can make it in the endzone this week
The past two Super Bowl winning teams will meet this Sunday in New York as the Giants will host the Green Bay Packer. The game will be played at New York’s MetLife Stadium where the 6-4 Giants will hope to get some luck at home. The team has struggled mightily the last two games and is in a bit of a panic mode right now. A loss could really hurt them for a chance at the playoffs. Thankfully, for them, their division has struggled just as bad and even worse then them. Green Bay, on the other hand, has been as hot as any team as of late.
The Giants last two games have seen Eli Manning throw no touchdown passes. Last game, the Giants lost 31-13 against the Bengals in Cincinnati week ten. They were on a bye week last week, which hopefully gave them time to figure out what has been happening on both offense and defense. The time hopefully gave them an opportunity to get healthier. This is certainly something that will help as they set to face a tough Packer squad.
The Packers are coming off a 24-20 win over the Lions in Detroit. They have not lost a game since week 5 in Indianapolis versus the Colts. The Packers are currently at the top of their division at 7-3 and would like nothing more then a win against the defending champs. The game will be televised nationally on Sunday Night Football on NBC at 8:20 PM ET.
49ers travel to New Orleans for a good battle
The 7-2-1 San Francisco 49ers will take on the New Orleans Saints this week in New Orleans. The game will be played at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome against a Saints team that seems to be unstoppable as of late. The Saints have been riding a huge winning streak, but the 49ers have looked good regardless of who has taken the snaps. They have gotten victories despite a possible controversy brewing at quarterback. Recently, Coach Harbaugh stated that he had two hot-handed quarterbacks right now and did not specify a starter for this upcoming game.
The 49ers won big last week against the Bears at home. Kaepernick started for the 49ers and was making every throw. He was able to have success without using his legs and was not missing any throws, regardless of their difficulty. The 49ers strong running game certainly helped as play-action passing was used often. The team was able to shred a usually dominant Bears defense and will be playing a Saints defense this week that has been shredded by most teams.
The Saints have improved defensively and have been streaking lately. The team is now 5-5 on the season and is looking to make a playoff run. They have been sharpening up offensively and will be home this week in front of a hungry home crowd. The only thing that may slow them down is the fact that the 49ers did make them work harder by not naming a starter. They will now have to prepare for both Alex and Kaepernick. My money is on Smith starting and Coach Harbaugh using Kaepernick as leverage.
Cardinals hope 3rd string QB can pull off a win
The Arizona Cardinals will try their luck on quarterback number 3 this week at home against the Rams. The Cardinals have gone through QBs Kevin Kolb and John Skelton due to injury. Kolb found success early as he found a way to win the first 4 games of the season for the Cardinals. This was even after he lost the starting job to Skelton, only to get it back from an early week 1 injury. Lindley will get the nod this game, and hopes to prove himself a viable starter. The game will be played at University of Phoenix Stadium at 4:25 PM ET.
After Kolb led the Cardinals to 4 wins in the first 4 weeks, the team has yet to win a game since. They have seen Skelton and Kolb bounce in and out of the lineup due to an offensive line that could not stop a nose bleed. The cardinals are now 4-6 on the year and are looking for any reason to have hope going into next season. Last week, the Cardinals fell 23-19 to the Falcons in a close contest in Atlanta. In the end, they did not have enough.
The Rams defeated the Cardinals in St. Louis the last time they played earlier this year. That game was a defensive struggle throughout, which saw just enough offense by the Rams to get the win. The Rams made a living with sacks in the contest and made the Cardinals offensive line really look porous. It is surely anyone’s game, but not a game I would want to watch.