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By virtue of posting this in a blog titled â??Single Woman Talk: Unmarried and Unconcernedâ?, youâ??ve probably guessed that I am single.  What you might not have guessed, however, is that Iâ??m not single for lack of options.  Iâ??m single for lack of better options.

 

Iâ??ve gone on dozens of dates in the last few yearsâ??experiencing the good, bad, and uglyâ??and had a half-dozen mediocre relationships.  Why havenâ??t these worked out, you ask?  Am I annoying?  Unintelligent?  Unattractive?  Hardly.  The problem is much simpler: the men who routinely ask me out are, as a whole, extraordinarily creepy.

 

Forget the typical “we live in a modern world and people only communicate via technology” complaint—though I have had my fair share of e-mail, text message, instant message, and facebook date requests—my problem is that people have become far too creative in their methods.  I’ve gotten anonymous flowers (sweet, right?  Not with bizarre notes that include very personal information.), anonymous e-mails (It took you over two months to get the courage to tell me who you were and why you were watching me?), large numbers of gifts from casual acquaintances (complete with lengthy letters filled with commentary on my habits, exploits, friends, likes, and dislikes.), and—my personal favorite—anonymous love poetry.  And don’t tell me that I would have been flattered if the guy had turned out to be tall, dark, and handsome instead of short, awkward, and a member of a team which I was captaining at the time.  With lines that referred to him as “my dark knight” and sang praises for my “charm, mercy, and grace” and with a follow-up poem that included the stanza “Revealed, you know who I am/I handled it poorly, that I can see/Though it may seem all a sham/Deceit like that is unlike of me”, Brad Pitt himself couldn’t have swept me off my feet.

 

I donâ??t want your flowers, your letters, your gifts, or your poetry.  I want you to look me in the eye and say, â??Hi, Iâ??m a guy who hasnâ??t spent the last three months stalking you. Want to grab coffee sometime?â?Â  No one ever says no to a request like that.  And I bet itâ??d take a whole lot less effort than writing abysmal poetry.

 

Though I suppose itâ??s possible, like in this rather impressive extended â??men are hunters, women are fishersâ?? analogy, dating is all about some elaborate game in which the best-case scenario is one which ends with a delicious salmon or venison dinnerâ??a positive outcome unless, of course, youâ??re the salmon or deer at that particular mealâ??and the worst-case is that both parties die of starvation, sad and alone and with multiple cats.  In that case, you could still just go for a nice dinner date.

 

And could you preferably do it in person and using prose?