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Thursday, October 9th

6:23PM

Dear Diary,

So sick of campaigning. Told David that we should just run television ads like John’s campaign manager lets him do, but was told to “stop whining, people think you’re young enough as it is without acting like a spoiled child.” Pointed out that he all he does is send e-mails to people who already like me while I am forced to face down mean old men who call me “that one” and as a result I probably have permanent mental scarring and will require years of psychotherapy. Was told that running for president was my own choice and that I “had to deal with the consequences of that decision.” Stuck out my tongue at him when I thought his back was turned, but was caught and threatened with being locked up like Sarah Palin.

Campaign managers think theyâ??re just so important.

In other news, have started to get paranoid after receiving phone call from John Kerry last night warning about something called ‘swift boating.’ Reminded him that I had no military record, was therefore safe from accusations of former war people, and really don’t like boats much at all, but was told that I “didn’t understand” and needed to think back to certain experiences in my past. Had brief, semi-related argument about current smoking habit. Said that millions of Americans would sympathize with current attempts to quit—Change! Hope! Hope for change!—but was countered with point that Americans seem to have found out about lung cancer.

Both Kerry and David apparently unimpressed by current lead in polls.

Hopefully yours,

Barack

Originally posted in The Secret Diary of Barack Obama

Thursday, October 9^th

6:06AM

Dear Diary,

Cindy says I need to stop complaining about Liberal Media Elite (direct quote: “OH be quiet, you crotchety old geezer,” then she mumbled something about hair plugs, but didn’t have my hearing aid in). But how can I keep quiet when media is just SO unfair?? Quite tired of them questioning choice of Sexy Sarah Governor Palin as running mate. Want to debunk prevailing theories concerning her selection:

1) Am not senile. New memory and energy supplements working quite well, thank you. Fingers crossed can hold out on dementia till elected to second term, then mental condition can deteriorate at will. And bonus: can claim to be following tactics of Ronald Reagan!

2) Was not chasing dissatisfied Hillary supporters; in fact, assumed choice would further alienate them as Governor Palin clearly ideological opposite of Senator Clinton. Fact that many have flocked to our cause as much mystery to me as anyone.

3) Contrary to popular opinion, we vetted the Governor plenty. I mean, I’d met her. Once. She assured me anyone who came forward with dirt would surely be struck down by Lord and have their blood licked by dogs like Jezebel and King Ahab. Rick Davis skeptical, but convinced him it would be a hit with the evangelicals.

Reason I chose Governor Palin far more simple than Liberal Media Elite makes it out to be. Merely wanted eye candy while campaigning (I mean, have you SEEN state Joe Lieberman is in lately? Would you want to see that as soon as you got to work every day? Man could use a facelift. Must remind Cindy to give him number of her plastic surgeon, who did spectacular job on hers. Both of them). But I digress. Unfortunately also forgot hearing aid at initial meeting, so failed to realize Governor incapable of stringing together coherent thought without 24 hour prep team or pronouncing the "g" at end of words. Ah well. Currently keeping her locked in safe room between appearances to minimize damage.

In any case, selection was unexpected and, if I do say so myself, very Mavericky.

Maverick, over and out.

John

Thursday, October 9th

5:13PM

Dear Diary,

Am locked in what I suspect to be a holding cell, apparently is only way to ensure that press will not be able to locate me. Nothing to read but the New York Times (next time I am asked what I read, will say Cosmo), so got bored and staged informal debate: pantsuit v. no pantsuit.

Pros: Can’t see legs, less objectifying, need for shaving decreased, more time available for developing new campaign strategies, appeal to masses of Hillary supporters who may confuse identity.

Cons: Can’t see legs, less objectifying, waste of pretty new skirts, less appeal to male half of population, decreased chances of poor, confused gay men seeing light and being saved.

Also, noticed in last debate that John seems to have stopped using word ‘maverick.’ Am concerned about loss of important key word and am searching for adequate replacement. Currently considering ‘malarkey’ as has same number of letters, syllables, and has nice ring to it. Note to self: as soon as am released from holding cell, research effect of new word on swing voters.

Love yah!

Sarah

Originally posted in The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin