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I bet you woke up this morning confused about whether or not you have socialist leanings - I know I did. With the recent resurgence of American socialism and un-American activities that John McCain, Sarah Palin, and Michelle Bachmann are suddenly so very scared of, we thought we would lend a hand in determining just how socialist YOU are. We have devised this little test based on the logic of these kindly folks to help YOU, the average Carl the Carpenter, decide whether the time has come to turn yourself in to the thought police.

1. What is the population of your town?

a) Over 2,000,000 (add 40 points) b) 500,000-1,999,999 (add 20 points) c) 100,000-999,999 (add 10 points) c) 5,000-500,000 (add 0 points) d) Under 5,000 (subtract -10 points)

2. Should members of the United States Congress be investigated for "Anti-American" views?

a) No. (Add 20 points) b) Yes. (Add 0 points) c) Yes, but just 316 of them (add 10 points)

3. Do you "just get it"?

a) Yes (add 0 Points) b) No (add 10 points)

4. Do you pal around with terrorists? If so, how many? (add one point for each terrorist you associate with)

5. When I say "cow" you think:

a) Dinner (add 0 points) b) Moooo (add 5 points) b) Animal (add 10 points) c) Sarah Palin (add 30 points)

6. Describe your reaction to the following quote: "I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't."

a) 'Alarming!' (add 30 points) b) 'Sounds goshdarn vice-presidential' (add 0 points) c) 'The leader is good, the leader is great, I surrender my will as of this date' (subtract -10 points for getting the Simpsons reference, add 40 points for being a smart ass socialist)

7. The federal government redistributing $700 Billion for big business and partially nationalizing banks is socialist.

a) Gosh I don't know (add 0 points) b) Golly, maybe? (add 0 points) c) Sarah's wink means no (add 0 points)

Tuesday, October 20th

11:23AM

Dear Diary,

Came across article with suggestions for life plans after Nov. 4. While disliked insinuations that McCain-Palin ticket not infallible, decided to evaluate possible options. After all, always important to have back-up plan, like adoption if not possible to keep baby in family.

1. Permanently joining the cast of SNL

Pros: Fame, fortune, have heard my character necessary to keep show funny.

Cons: SNL really going downhill these days, suspect Tiny Fey not actually one of my biggest fans.

Likelihood: 5%

2. Presidential run in 2012

Pros: Have already evaluated possible running mates and potential competition.

Cons: Fear if McCain still alive in 2012, would demand to be running mate as compensation for current campaign.

Likelihood: 50%

3. Senator/Alaska Governor-for-life

Pros: “Governor-for-life” has nice, pro-life ring to it.

Cons: Suspect Alaska not as respected as previously thought as apparently population census neglects moose, wolves, etc.

Likelihood: 65%

4. Time’s Person of the Year

Pros: Fame.

Cons: Possibility of nationwide circulation unflattering photo.

Likelihood: 45%

5. Publishing autobiography

Pros: Would be cathartic, like writing diary.

Cons: Worry that endearing accent would not be conveyed properly through text, don’t want to be seen as following in Barack’s footsteps.

Likelihood: 75%

6. The Sarah Palin Show

Pros: Based on current media attention, show will have immediate high rating.

Cons: Probable loss of popularity after election.

Likelihood: 60%

Briefly considered other possibilities—musicals, children’s movie, inspirational lecture series, hosting new series of Miss American Politician pageants—but will address these if need arises. Until then, will continue programming machines so undecided voters can be robo-called with sweet voice rather than John’s scratchy, angry one.

Love yah!

Sarah

Originally posted in The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin